I love him so much but our 16-year-old, 6'2" autistic son can be so abusive it leaves us fearing for our lives

Lindsey Nicholson, 49, and her husband, Tony, 52, said they first suffered abuse by their 16-year-old son, who has complex SEND needs, during the Covid-19 pandemic. The couple from Blyth, Northumberland, have told how at first the behaviour from their only child was manageable as he was small, but now he is a young man and can easily "overpower" them.

Their son has punched, kicked, and pinned them to the floor, leading to concussions, pulled hair, and cuts from thrown objects including an iPad, cups, and plates. They have attended sessions run by Tony MacDonald - who volunteers with Northumberland Community and Voluntary Action - to teach conflict resolution and safe disengagement techniques to parents.

The mum said: “I’m only 5ft 4 and I’m worried one day that he might injure me severely, or worse. I’d say we’ve feared for our lives around 50 times this year - he doesn’t realise how strong he is, I can be completely defenceless in his grip. I’ve woken up to him thrashing an iPad against my head, and he’s almost pushed us both down the stairs.

“We’ve nearly lost control of the car on multiple occasions because he’s hit me or thrown things while I was driving. I love him so much, I would go to the end of the world for my boy. It isn’t his fault, there just isn’t the care in place to support him.”

Lindsey, who runs a small bakery called L of a Bake, said his behaviour can dramatically change depending on medication, tiredness, and hunger. She said he goes from being “funny and caring” to someone “they don’t recognise”.

The couple had to remove him from school when he was 14 years old after the setting failed to meet his complex needs, which caused his behaviour to spiral. As a result, both parents now juggle working from home between them to provide the care he needs.

The mum said the only reason she has been able to manage is because of her 30-year background in supporting children with learning difficulties, including work with Gateshead Council in SEND schools.

She said: “It’s like my whole life has led up to having my son. Over the years I’ve gained a toolbox of strategies to manage his behaviour, and that’s the only reason he’s still in our care. But realistically he should be in a specialist residential placement, yet that is far too expensive.

"I have run the numbers and we are looking at £400,000 a year which is totally unaffordable and also should I have to give up my child just because we’re not getting the support we need.

On one occasion, the police were called regarding his behaviour after a medication mix-up left him abruptly off his antidepressants for three weeks. Lindsey said: “For those three weeks he was constantly distressed and aggressive. One minute he’d be lying on the floor in tears, the next he’d jump up and attack.

“It isn’t his fault, his outbursts were the only way he could communicate. I was on the phone with the doctors one day and they could hear him attacking me in the background. They told me to call a social worker, but I refused. We finished the call, and a few hours later police turned up at our door after someone reported what was happening.

“They didn’t know he had SEND needs when they arrived, but once they realised, they agreed it wouldn’t be appropriate to arrest him. I had to sign a form saying I wouldn’t press charges - no mother should ever have to do that.”

Lindsey said that the family do currently have respite package in place but claim there are no services available to deliver it because of her son’s complex needs. The couple have since attended weekly sessions run by Tony, a former doorman from Blyth who also delivered similar training to staff in children's homes 15 years ago.

He provided guidance such as moving breakable items and knives to safe places, and teaches techniques to safely de-escalate volatile situations such as controlled disengagement and safe blocking.

Lindsey said: “Tony actually reached out and offered the conflict resolution sessions directly to us. It was something that finally focused on keeping everyone safe, not just reacting when things go wrong.”

Lindsey has since started a petition calling on the government to ensure councils have ring-fenced funding to support parents in crisis. She is also calling for the formal recognition of Child-on-Parent Violence (CAPV) as a safeguarding and welfare issue, not a criminal one.

“Parents are left feeling unsafe, unsupported, and blamed, while children go without the therapeutic and educational help they need,” she said. “This isn’t about criminalising children or blaming parents, it’s about getting families the right support before it’s too late.”

A spokesperson for Northumberland Council said: "In Northumberland there is a multi-agency CPVA steering group who oversee the strategic direction of the work, there has been a notification process for CPVA situations for over 6 years.

"Any professional who is made aware of CPVA are asked to notify Northumberland Children and Families First Contact. From this point each notification is reviewed by Northumberland CPVA gatekeepers who then look at the most appropriate action.

"We have a significant number of workers trained in the level one NVR approach and we have a limited offer of the Respect Young Persons Programme. These are both CPVA specific approaches.

"In addition, we have two workers in the Northumberland adolescent service whose work focussed entirely on reducing CPVA within the families they are allocated. Multiagency training is also offered around CPVA to ensure that the workforce is aware of what to look out for and what support they can offer.

"In Northumberland there is an Early Help Front Door, young people, parent and carers can contact to request support directly."

Tony MacDonald declined to comment.

You can sign Lindsey’s petition here: https://c.org/mCDYJvgbnY